I had hoped that I wouldn't need to blog again. Because the blog was formed to stop myself from going further mad, and perhaps to keep me alive. However the inner clock strikes midnight again, the 1st of a month, and without me even realising- I feel sad.
I should have seen it coming, I've gone two whole weeks without even launching myself in to the pit of mental misery and despair that I usually do in the early hours of the morning, however instead my brain has decided that haunting me in my dreams about things I don't want to think about is a better way of beating me. Therefore I refuse to sleep unless I have consumed a lot of alcohol or a lot of pills.
I don't know if you've ever missed someone or something so much that it hurts, I mean physically hurts. Just the notion ties knots in your stomach, gives you a pounding headache and makes your palms sweaty. But on top of that digs further into the hole in your heart that you cant help but feel whenever you think the unavoidable things.
Im such a fucking mess, i cant believe im still fucking here after all this time. It changed my life and it changed me- and i dont like that person. So im doing everything in my power to erase any memory of that person so at least i can pretend. Fuck being that im trying to change ever aspect about myself to distance myself from you and all my memories of it and fuck fuck fuck.
I say this, but underneath it all it will always be the centre of reason. But at least i can pretend in my own little world, Ive done okay so far. Im doing everything i never should have done just to raise attention, you shouldnt have fucking done this to me whoever you are.
Still lost, a year on and lost.
Forever,
HW
Friday 31 July 2015
Tuesday 12 May 2015
Sunset.
Anther abstract metaphor for my feelings.
I feel like i'm approaching a metaphorical sunset. For example at the end of a day, the only thing you know for certain is that the sun will set, the moon and the stars and the darkness will come, and it is certain that you can look in the sky, and see the horizon where the colours meet and mix and the blue turns to pink and the pink fades to yellow and orange and then darkness. Thick black yet effortlessly beautiful attempting to cover all the mistakes and imperfections.
The sunset signals the end of a very long day, an era and a familiarity. It fools you though, it pretends to be picturesque and beautiful, when in fact this type of sunset is painful, hard and the worst nightmare of memories, but at least it is consistent and certain, uncertainty is a killer.
I might take a picture- at least then it might last longer. As you see, im clinging on too those last couple of hours of the light, the last few hours of clarity and living, before the sunset comes and takes it all away, and I fade into the insignificance and loneliness of the darkness: but to be honest I might even be there already. As I am trying to move back into the dawn, the sunset captures me.
My point is, you never know when the sunset will come, but when it does, the day will be over, you can never be in that time spectrum again, and the reflection of your long metaphorical day becomes nothing more than a memory.
Its nice being in the dark though, it gives you the opportunity to try and see the stars.
Or in my case, know they are there, but never seeming to be able to hold on to them and capture them.
I feel like i'm approaching a metaphorical sunset. For example at the end of a day, the only thing you know for certain is that the sun will set, the moon and the stars and the darkness will come, and it is certain that you can look in the sky, and see the horizon where the colours meet and mix and the blue turns to pink and the pink fades to yellow and orange and then darkness. Thick black yet effortlessly beautiful attempting to cover all the mistakes and imperfections.
The sunset signals the end of a very long day, an era and a familiarity. It fools you though, it pretends to be picturesque and beautiful, when in fact this type of sunset is painful, hard and the worst nightmare of memories, but at least it is consistent and certain, uncertainty is a killer.
I might take a picture- at least then it might last longer. As you see, im clinging on too those last couple of hours of the light, the last few hours of clarity and living, before the sunset comes and takes it all away, and I fade into the insignificance and loneliness of the darkness: but to be honest I might even be there already. As I am trying to move back into the dawn, the sunset captures me.
My point is, you never know when the sunset will come, but when it does, the day will be over, you can never be in that time spectrum again, and the reflection of your long metaphorical day becomes nothing more than a memory.
Its nice being in the dark though, it gives you the opportunity to try and see the stars.
Or in my case, know they are there, but never seeming to be able to hold on to them and capture them.
Tuesday 28 April 2015
Broken World
I don't know if everyone feels like this at some point in their lives, or if I'm being over dramatic. Well I know how it feels to me, but I mean to everyone else. But now it's a broken world. If you've ever felt like you have nowhere, and nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, and the more you think about things, the more you realise how massively broken and messed up every single aspect of your life is. There is nowhere I feel safe, and there is nowhere I want to be.
If I felt bad before, I was kidding myself, and if I thought that things were as bad as they could get, I was so so so wrong.
I know nothing lasts forever, and I know that everything changes, but that doesn't make it okay, or easy. And the hard part is having no warning, as to when everything is going to make you feel like the world is caving in on you. In fact it is quite hilarious, how I thought that nothing could possibly get worse, because I have felt so shit for so long- but now we have reached a new low. Nothing could be worse than this to be honest, and well I don't even have any words for how broken I feel.
I seem to lose everything, and the physical emotional pain I feel is absolutely ridiculous. And to be honest i'm not sure exactly what to do anymore.
If I felt bad before, I was kidding myself, and if I thought that things were as bad as they could get, I was so so so wrong.
I know nothing lasts forever, and I know that everything changes, but that doesn't make it okay, or easy. And the hard part is having no warning, as to when everything is going to make you feel like the world is caving in on you. In fact it is quite hilarious, how I thought that nothing could possibly get worse, because I have felt so shit for so long- but now we have reached a new low. Nothing could be worse than this to be honest, and well I don't even have any words for how broken I feel.
I seem to lose everything, and the physical emotional pain I feel is absolutely ridiculous. And to be honest i'm not sure exactly what to do anymore.
Sunday 19 April 2015
Speed
Everything goes too fast. I have literally just realised how far into the year we are, and its stressing me out. It is so nearly my birthday and that is another year gone, and well everything is just shit now isn't it so. I cant deal with it all.
Everything just goes too fast, and I am missing things and feeling it physically in places I never knew existed. It is like a physical pain, that makes me sick to my stomach and paralyses me with fear. I don't even know where I am anymore, I am so so so lost it is unreal. Each and every day I fall deeper and deeper into I don't even know what- this complete and utter whirlwind that is my life. And I don't know what to do anymore. I am so lost that I cant even think about being lost or anything.
I am just so numb, yet feeling so so much all at once. I am staring at the black empty walls wondering where it all went wrong. I don't know what to do- it is getting unbearable, the constant struggle.
Everything just goes too fast, and I am missing things and feeling it physically in places I never knew existed. It is like a physical pain, that makes me sick to my stomach and paralyses me with fear. I don't even know where I am anymore, I am so so so lost it is unreal. Each and every day I fall deeper and deeper into I don't even know what- this complete and utter whirlwind that is my life. And I don't know what to do anymore. I am so lost that I cant even think about being lost or anything.
I am just so numb, yet feeling so so much all at once. I am staring at the black empty walls wondering where it all went wrong. I don't know what to do- it is getting unbearable, the constant struggle.
Friday 10 April 2015
forward...but still backwards
Well it's April and i'm still here, what a shock for us all.
I haven't had the time to write, or maybe I have but I just haven't been able to find words. Most of the time I have spent jist trying to distract myself.
If I thought that things couldn't get worse, I was wrong. And if I thought that somehow I would naturally end up feeling more positive, I was also wrong. I am still so so stuck and we are 4 months into this year. What the hell has happened.
The only possible conclusion I can come to is that it's my fault- the good guy always wins and there is always a happy ending, considering I cant find mine and im not winning I believe its my fault. I am just a horrible, annoying and worthless person, and I have caused all of this, and I have done this to my own mind. I have put myself in this hole, and I am my own monster and worst enemy. I suppose that sucks, but at least I know I can control something.
I have also realised that I am so weak that I cant even bring myself to die just yet. How pathetic is that, I know I want to leave, and Everytime I try I fail. Now that is misery. But I think theres something in me holding back, and im too weak and scared. And it isn't that I don't really want to go out of some cling of emotion, I genuinely do, I cant deal with this pain anymore, I just cant make it happen. Eugh at me.
I feel like I have been clutching at straws (the straws being my sanity) for so long, but now the straws are nearly all gone, and im getting very close to the edge of the cliff. Some of the feelings I have experienced lately I didn't even know existed. Im at a point where I have completely and utterly disarmed myself and pretended and tricked myself into being completely distracted and oblivious to the destruction occurring to my life and mental state right before me. And now I have a problem.
I am in a very dangerous position, because at the moment I have completely numbed myself with recent situations, I just cant deal with it. But the thing is that whenever a little bit resurfaces that's it- I'm a gonner. I completely break, and the more im putting away, the more pain that consumes me when I re feel. Its like I am a tap- the water is slowly but surely dripping out of me, when the tap is off I am okay and all the barriers are up and I seem normal, but as soon as the tap is on WHOOSH, problem. And then the drip comes, when the barrier cant be completely rebuilt because the tap is too exhausted.
I probably sound crazy right now. What I am trying to say is that I am trying to block it out but its not working great, and when it does, the pain increases each time. But theres too much there for me to deal with. If I let the guard down there is too much pain and hurt and memories that will just destroy me, and I haven't the energy to do that at the moment.
Still suffering, still numb.
HW
I haven't had the time to write, or maybe I have but I just haven't been able to find words. Most of the time I have spent jist trying to distract myself.
If I thought that things couldn't get worse, I was wrong. And if I thought that somehow I would naturally end up feeling more positive, I was also wrong. I am still so so stuck and we are 4 months into this year. What the hell has happened.
The only possible conclusion I can come to is that it's my fault- the good guy always wins and there is always a happy ending, considering I cant find mine and im not winning I believe its my fault. I am just a horrible, annoying and worthless person, and I have caused all of this, and I have done this to my own mind. I have put myself in this hole, and I am my own monster and worst enemy. I suppose that sucks, but at least I know I can control something.
I have also realised that I am so weak that I cant even bring myself to die just yet. How pathetic is that, I know I want to leave, and Everytime I try I fail. Now that is misery. But I think theres something in me holding back, and im too weak and scared. And it isn't that I don't really want to go out of some cling of emotion, I genuinely do, I cant deal with this pain anymore, I just cant make it happen. Eugh at me.
I feel like I have been clutching at straws (the straws being my sanity) for so long, but now the straws are nearly all gone, and im getting very close to the edge of the cliff. Some of the feelings I have experienced lately I didn't even know existed. Im at a point where I have completely and utterly disarmed myself and pretended and tricked myself into being completely distracted and oblivious to the destruction occurring to my life and mental state right before me. And now I have a problem.
I am in a very dangerous position, because at the moment I have completely numbed myself with recent situations, I just cant deal with it. But the thing is that whenever a little bit resurfaces that's it- I'm a gonner. I completely break, and the more im putting away, the more pain that consumes me when I re feel. Its like I am a tap- the water is slowly but surely dripping out of me, when the tap is off I am okay and all the barriers are up and I seem normal, but as soon as the tap is on WHOOSH, problem. And then the drip comes, when the barrier cant be completely rebuilt because the tap is too exhausted.
I probably sound crazy right now. What I am trying to say is that I am trying to block it out but its not working great, and when it does, the pain increases each time. But theres too much there for me to deal with. If I let the guard down there is too much pain and hurt and memories that will just destroy me, and I haven't the energy to do that at the moment.
Still suffering, still numb.
HW
Tuesday 10 February 2015
The other side of me.
Id like to introduce you to the other side of me. My split personality that is becoming so increasingly evident as the days go by. Her name is different to mine, she's content, and a great actress. Nobody would ever know we are the same person.
Lately I've come to realise that I have two different personalities. One when I'm with others, and one when I'm with myself. Which naturally makes the quest to find myself again increasingly difficult. I don't mean that I'm just different when I'm on my own to when I'm in company, because that's natural. But I mean I am a complete other person.
When I'm with others that don't get me (everyone) I pretend, its like my brain temporarily doesn't take my actual situation and thoughts into consideration. I am so fake it's baffling. I am so upbeat, talkative and funny. But in the back of my mind I know that I am just pretending, but it isn't like I can stop this other person from coming through, its like a reflex, like a coping mechanism.
Then when I am alone, or other times I am the person that I know I am at the moment. The one that's miserable, and consumed with the crushing nostalgia and memories of the things that I want to forget. The one that is a bundle of anxiety and depression, waiting for her next fix of the drug that is distraction.
It's almost unfaultable the performance the alternate me gives, many don't notice. However occasionally the emotional pressure gets a little too much and alternate me gets a little mellower than usual, but other than that I am untouchable. Does this mean that relationships that have been formed or at least maintained whilst I have been in my post-traumatic bubble are built on this person that I'm not? I know for a fact that nobody gets me, but what can I do. I believe that it's a coping mechanism, its too hard to be truthful about myself, and well I think to distinguish between my happy place and my me place my brain seems to have created two different personalities. It is very confusing, and I hate it. Because well I don't know who I am, even more than I didn't before.
Sometimes it gets a little harder to breathe, and the more I think about it I realise that in fact this is my life now, and we cant travel back in time. And just knowing that if anybody I knew read this they would most definitely think I was unhinged, because well I am. I don't want to be a freak, but I cant change the wall in my mind.
I've been thinking a lot about death lately, and what it would actually be like. I haven't got enough faith in the possibility of a heaven to believe that I would finally find peace, therefore I haven't got a solid enough conclusion of what happens when I do go. I think there is something out there, but I don't think my soul likes me very much at the minute. I guess I have a small amount of positivity left in me, or I would have freed myself already. However my fear is what if this is how it's always going to be for me. Everytime something happens that I cant move on from, will it just add the emotional baggage that I carry with me always? So many massive changes have yet to occur in my life, so many people are going to leave me, and so many things can go drastically wrong. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep going through this pain. What if I never find myself again? This is so hard.
Another ending is looming this week, and as usual I am dreading it. I'm getting signs, and I know that this time I need to let go, but I don't know if I can.
HW
Lately I've come to realise that I have two different personalities. One when I'm with others, and one when I'm with myself. Which naturally makes the quest to find myself again increasingly difficult. I don't mean that I'm just different when I'm on my own to when I'm in company, because that's natural. But I mean I am a complete other person.
When I'm with others that don't get me (everyone) I pretend, its like my brain temporarily doesn't take my actual situation and thoughts into consideration. I am so fake it's baffling. I am so upbeat, talkative and funny. But in the back of my mind I know that I am just pretending, but it isn't like I can stop this other person from coming through, its like a reflex, like a coping mechanism.
Then when I am alone, or other times I am the person that I know I am at the moment. The one that's miserable, and consumed with the crushing nostalgia and memories of the things that I want to forget. The one that is a bundle of anxiety and depression, waiting for her next fix of the drug that is distraction.
It's almost unfaultable the performance the alternate me gives, many don't notice. However occasionally the emotional pressure gets a little too much and alternate me gets a little mellower than usual, but other than that I am untouchable. Does this mean that relationships that have been formed or at least maintained whilst I have been in my post-traumatic bubble are built on this person that I'm not? I know for a fact that nobody gets me, but what can I do. I believe that it's a coping mechanism, its too hard to be truthful about myself, and well I think to distinguish between my happy place and my me place my brain seems to have created two different personalities. It is very confusing, and I hate it. Because well I don't know who I am, even more than I didn't before.
Sometimes it gets a little harder to breathe, and the more I think about it I realise that in fact this is my life now, and we cant travel back in time. And just knowing that if anybody I knew read this they would most definitely think I was unhinged, because well I am. I don't want to be a freak, but I cant change the wall in my mind.
I've been thinking a lot about death lately, and what it would actually be like. I haven't got enough faith in the possibility of a heaven to believe that I would finally find peace, therefore I haven't got a solid enough conclusion of what happens when I do go. I think there is something out there, but I don't think my soul likes me very much at the minute. I guess I have a small amount of positivity left in me, or I would have freed myself already. However my fear is what if this is how it's always going to be for me. Everytime something happens that I cant move on from, will it just add the emotional baggage that I carry with me always? So many massive changes have yet to occur in my life, so many people are going to leave me, and so many things can go drastically wrong. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep going through this pain. What if I never find myself again? This is so hard.
Another ending is looming this week, and as usual I am dreading it. I'm getting signs, and I know that this time I need to let go, but I don't know if I can.
HW
Wednesday 4 February 2015
Aching
I'm not dead- fortunately/unfortunately, not sure which way to look at it right this moment.
Apologies for the recent lack of blogging, my mind as ever has been preoccupied. Even though nobody reads this blog, so to the imaginary audience I am addressing.
The reason for my silence is because if I am completely honest I have no real idea what to write, I'm just feeling the same as I always do. But something has changed, I don't know what it is, but it's almost like I am near enough numb. Soooo much has happened lately, that it all just blurs into one big ache and pain.
I am aching. Mainly with the crushing nostalgia that I am consumed with whenever I am alone, or not distracted, or simply just reminded of it. Which sucks. I am aching with the anxiety of future events I know are going to take place, however I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel, or how I am going to feel. I miss things, more than most people should miss things I suppose. And what nobody else understands is that, despite this being the most minimal of my problems right now, it is the biggest in my mind, because its the one that has changed me the most, and the one that I cant get over because I don't know how to be anymore, or what anything is anymore, and I hate it.
I genuinely get to the point where the absence and the memory of the past aches in places I didn't even knew existed, or that I didn't know it was possible to feel emotional pain. I get a stab of paralyzing fear and anxiety, before I realise my worst fear has already happened, and then the realization hits that its over, and that's when it hurts the most. I succumb to the pain and memories, and the memories are gradually blurring and travelling further into the depths of my mind, making it harder for them to resurface, and harder for me to comfort myself with them. I feel the pain of missing things and places and people. I'm forgetting and it aches my heart and my chest, I can barely breathe sometimes, when it hits how much I miss. I miss, I spend all my time missing. I even miss myself, perhaps that's what I miss the most, and I have no idea how to get her back, or even what she was.
Sometimes I just feel so crazy, and I am so alone. I cant express how hard it is, but obviously nobody is going to get it because it's just such a layered problem. My councillor only barely understood and I saw her for about a year. Everything inside my head hurts, and I don't know what I can do to fix it. I just want somebody to help me, but I want the right people to miss me too. And I know they don't which makes it so much harder.
I am that girl that is great to have around, but isn't needed. I am the girl that appears to be the strongest person in the world, but is actually the weakest. I'm the girl that nobody wants to turn in to, I'm the girl that started cutting herself when she was never supposed to. I'm the girl that used to genuinely be the happiest. I'm the girl that can fix everybody else's problems but her own. I'm the girl that holds in all of her pain, so nobody can see, and when she comes home she cries herself to sleep every night. I'm the girl that cant enjoy any aspect of her life anymore. I'm the girl that nobody wants to become. I am the girl that can't be helped. I am the girl that's lost. I am the girl that changed, and that no matter what cant go back.
I'm so stuck.
Apologies for the recent lack of blogging, my mind as ever has been preoccupied. Even though nobody reads this blog, so to the imaginary audience I am addressing.
The reason for my silence is because if I am completely honest I have no real idea what to write, I'm just feeling the same as I always do. But something has changed, I don't know what it is, but it's almost like I am near enough numb. Soooo much has happened lately, that it all just blurs into one big ache and pain.
I am aching. Mainly with the crushing nostalgia that I am consumed with whenever I am alone, or not distracted, or simply just reminded of it. Which sucks. I am aching with the anxiety of future events I know are going to take place, however I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel, or how I am going to feel. I miss things, more than most people should miss things I suppose. And what nobody else understands is that, despite this being the most minimal of my problems right now, it is the biggest in my mind, because its the one that has changed me the most, and the one that I cant get over because I don't know how to be anymore, or what anything is anymore, and I hate it.
I genuinely get to the point where the absence and the memory of the past aches in places I didn't even knew existed, or that I didn't know it was possible to feel emotional pain. I get a stab of paralyzing fear and anxiety, before I realise my worst fear has already happened, and then the realization hits that its over, and that's when it hurts the most. I succumb to the pain and memories, and the memories are gradually blurring and travelling further into the depths of my mind, making it harder for them to resurface, and harder for me to comfort myself with them. I feel the pain of missing things and places and people. I'm forgetting and it aches my heart and my chest, I can barely breathe sometimes, when it hits how much I miss. I miss, I spend all my time missing. I even miss myself, perhaps that's what I miss the most, and I have no idea how to get her back, or even what she was.
Sometimes I just feel so crazy, and I am so alone. I cant express how hard it is, but obviously nobody is going to get it because it's just such a layered problem. My councillor only barely understood and I saw her for about a year. Everything inside my head hurts, and I don't know what I can do to fix it. I just want somebody to help me, but I want the right people to miss me too. And I know they don't which makes it so much harder.
I am that girl that is great to have around, but isn't needed. I am the girl that appears to be the strongest person in the world, but is actually the weakest. I'm the girl that nobody wants to turn in to, I'm the girl that started cutting herself when she was never supposed to. I'm the girl that used to genuinely be the happiest. I'm the girl that can fix everybody else's problems but her own. I'm the girl that holds in all of her pain, so nobody can see, and when she comes home she cries herself to sleep every night. I'm the girl that cant enjoy any aspect of her life anymore. I'm the girl that nobody wants to become. I am the girl that can't be helped. I am the girl that's lost. I am the girl that changed, and that no matter what cant go back.
I'm so stuck.
Tuesday 20 January 2015
Bad World.
There's a certain point you reach in life. After the loss of something there's all the different stages- anger, sadness, denial, rage, emptiness, grief, flashbacks, thoughts of suicide, depersonalization and then finally that feeling when your so exhausted with it all that you cant even comprehend anything in your brain, and your moving along steadily knowing that your playing massive cover up. That any moment you could sink right deep down again and break from everything. The constant flipping between all these stages is exasperating.
I witnessed a major road accident today, and it really stopped me in my tracks. To be that near to terror, and death and such a massive tragic event really makes you think. About how near to death you are, and how in the blink of an eye everything could change, and how cruel the world is. Because what I realized is that despite the fact I witnessed 1 single accident, millions and millions happen every single day, yet they go unnoticed because well, its the norm. We're so used to bad things happening every single day, and its wrong. I hate this world. I hate everything. And applying it to my own life- why does something massive have to happen for something to change, or for people to take notice?
If I had been in that accident people would notice my screaming and my desperate cries for help. So why don't they now. Why don't they realize like they used to?
There are things you know to be true, and there are things you know to be true, yet refuse to accept. Today the second applied to me. Something I knew was happening was reinforced today, now I know i'm going to have to accept it. But I don't want to. I don't want it to happen. And my small bubble of normality I use to appease everybody else who wishes to perceive that I'm okay burst.
So tiring, and so lost. It's like I'm floating in a bubble, and have been for the past 7 months. I don't even know how I have made it to here. And I'm just praying for change, even though that's the thing I hate most. The hole in me is driving me insane and I know I shouldn't, but I still cant move on.
Please can somebody hear me. This is so hard.
I witnessed a major road accident today, and it really stopped me in my tracks. To be that near to terror, and death and such a massive tragic event really makes you think. About how near to death you are, and how in the blink of an eye everything could change, and how cruel the world is. Because what I realized is that despite the fact I witnessed 1 single accident, millions and millions happen every single day, yet they go unnoticed because well, its the norm. We're so used to bad things happening every single day, and its wrong. I hate this world. I hate everything. And applying it to my own life- why does something massive have to happen for something to change, or for people to take notice?
If I had been in that accident people would notice my screaming and my desperate cries for help. So why don't they now. Why don't they realize like they used to?
There are things you know to be true, and there are things you know to be true, yet refuse to accept. Today the second applied to me. Something I knew was happening was reinforced today, now I know i'm going to have to accept it. But I don't want to. I don't want it to happen. And my small bubble of normality I use to appease everybody else who wishes to perceive that I'm okay burst.
So tiring, and so lost. It's like I'm floating in a bubble, and have been for the past 7 months. I don't even know how I have made it to here. And I'm just praying for change, even though that's the thing I hate most. The hole in me is driving me insane and I know I shouldn't, but I still cant move on.
Please can somebody hear me. This is so hard.
Friday 16 January 2015
Helplessly Tired.
I haven't written in a while, and I was deciding for a while whether I should write tonight, or whether I should just save my feelings for tomorrow, because I am so emotionally drained right now that I can barely keep my eyes open. This has without a doubt been one of the worst weeks ever, and I just cant even cope.
I don't know if you've ever felt so tired that just waking up in the morning makes you cry, or your legs and arms feel that weak that you could just collapse any second, or your eyes don't work so you have to squint to see ever single thing, and your brain doesn't connect anything and work because your just so exhausted. Well that's how I feel now.
I am so tired, tired of every single thing. I'm tired of you, tired of me, tired of being awake, tired of being asleep, tired of thinking, tired of being sad, tired of being angry, tired of remembering, tired of trying to forget, tired of accepting, tired of trying not to change, tired of trying to remember who I am, I am just tired of being tired.
I am so so tired, I have no energy for anything anymore, so I cant even convey my feelings through this terrible blog post, in which I will probably delete when hopefully someday recovering from my exhausted state of mind. But I needed to blog.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I don't know if you've ever felt so tired that just waking up in the morning makes you cry, or your legs and arms feel that weak that you could just collapse any second, or your eyes don't work so you have to squint to see ever single thing, and your brain doesn't connect anything and work because your just so exhausted. Well that's how I feel now.
I am so tired, tired of every single thing. I'm tired of you, tired of me, tired of being awake, tired of being asleep, tired of thinking, tired of being sad, tired of being angry, tired of remembering, tired of trying to forget, tired of accepting, tired of trying not to change, tired of trying to remember who I am, I am just tired of being tired.
I am so so tired, I have no energy for anything anymore, so I cant even convey my feelings through this terrible blog post, in which I will probably delete when hopefully someday recovering from my exhausted state of mind. But I needed to blog.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Sunday 4 January 2015
Bad Days
Today is a bad day. Every day is a bad day to some extent, but today is one of those in particular which really takes a lot of doing. I read a quote once, something along the lines of 'even on a good day, the sky is still grey, there's just no rain. Which is exactly how I feel. Every day is a bad day, just some are less rainy than others, even though I love the rain..problem?
I'm bored of my life. I'm bored of myself, I'm bored of feeling lost and confused and angry and sad and all the things that I was never meant to feel. I am so sick of feeling like I'm just waiting for the next night that I sit in bed until 4 in the morning, crying my eyes out because I don't know what to do, or how to act or how to feel anymore. I'm so sick of pretending I am fine when really all I want to do is scream the faces of people and try and explain how much pain I feel every single day. But nobody would understand, and nobody has time for a stupid girl who cant move on from her past. I'm just left wondering if this is it? Is this how i'm going to feel forever, is this all that is out there for me, is this unrecognizable person always going to be who I am? Will I turn out like you? Can I let go? Can I ever learn to love myself again? And the problem is that all these questions are ones that nobody can answer.
I have nobody to really talk to, but do I even want to talk to anybody. I think the problem is that I feel so lost. So alone and just completely helpless and lost in life, and the constant pain in my chest is always there. And I cant get over it. Why can I never get over it. Its like your haunting me. I am obsessed with living in the memory of you, because as much pain as it caused I was consumed with that pain for so long that now it has gone, I miss it, and I have lost that comfort, and its such a messed up and weird feeling, but its a painful and impossible feeling. Everything that I had a year ago has gone, and as much as anybody tells me otherwise I can feel it slipping away. Its the next frigging year, any normal person would have dealt with this by now.
I'm so different and I hate it. I don't even recognise myself, I don't know what I am doing anymore. I have changed everything about myself, because I thought that would distance myself from the memories, and that era, but it hasn't it has just made more of a change. I am so lost inside myself, on the exterior I just look like me, well mentally, but on the inside any light has well and truly gone out. I'm scared because what is going to happen to me, this is the worst feeling in the world. All I'm doing everyday is surviving, i'm just staying alive, I have no purpose. How can I fix myself?
When the night falls, and I get that familiar crushing feeling in my chest. When it's dark outside and it's 3am in the morning, and I know that I don't want to sleep because I will go back there, but I don't want to wake. When my heart beat races and quickens, and my palms get sweaty, when that familiar song comes on, and when the pain comes back searing through me, fresh again, and I realise what a true mess I am, and how I have no means of getting out of it, and I have no idea what to do with myself. When the fresh tears fill the back of my eyes, and glaze over my pupils, and I blink and tell myself that I don't want to do it, I don't want to work myself up, not this night. But my brain doesn't pay attention, and it all hits me, and the memories come flooding back, no matter how distant they are, and the crushing nostalgia, and the momentous realization that I have so much in my head that I am going to explode because I have no idea how to deal with it, in that moment, when I feel like this every night, all I want to do is die.
I'm bored of my life. I'm bored of myself, I'm bored of feeling lost and confused and angry and sad and all the things that I was never meant to feel. I am so sick of feeling like I'm just waiting for the next night that I sit in bed until 4 in the morning, crying my eyes out because I don't know what to do, or how to act or how to feel anymore. I'm so sick of pretending I am fine when really all I want to do is scream the faces of people and try and explain how much pain I feel every single day. But nobody would understand, and nobody has time for a stupid girl who cant move on from her past. I'm just left wondering if this is it? Is this how i'm going to feel forever, is this all that is out there for me, is this unrecognizable person always going to be who I am? Will I turn out like you? Can I let go? Can I ever learn to love myself again? And the problem is that all these questions are ones that nobody can answer.
I have nobody to really talk to, but do I even want to talk to anybody. I think the problem is that I feel so lost. So alone and just completely helpless and lost in life, and the constant pain in my chest is always there. And I cant get over it. Why can I never get over it. Its like your haunting me. I am obsessed with living in the memory of you, because as much pain as it caused I was consumed with that pain for so long that now it has gone, I miss it, and I have lost that comfort, and its such a messed up and weird feeling, but its a painful and impossible feeling. Everything that I had a year ago has gone, and as much as anybody tells me otherwise I can feel it slipping away. Its the next frigging year, any normal person would have dealt with this by now.
I'm so different and I hate it. I don't even recognise myself, I don't know what I am doing anymore. I have changed everything about myself, because I thought that would distance myself from the memories, and that era, but it hasn't it has just made more of a change. I am so lost inside myself, on the exterior I just look like me, well mentally, but on the inside any light has well and truly gone out. I'm scared because what is going to happen to me, this is the worst feeling in the world. All I'm doing everyday is surviving, i'm just staying alive, I have no purpose. How can I fix myself?
When the night falls, and I get that familiar crushing feeling in my chest. When it's dark outside and it's 3am in the morning, and I know that I don't want to sleep because I will go back there, but I don't want to wake. When my heart beat races and quickens, and my palms get sweaty, when that familiar song comes on, and when the pain comes back searing through me, fresh again, and I realise what a true mess I am, and how I have no means of getting out of it, and I have no idea what to do with myself. When the fresh tears fill the back of my eyes, and glaze over my pupils, and I blink and tell myself that I don't want to do it, I don't want to work myself up, not this night. But my brain doesn't pay attention, and it all hits me, and the memories come flooding back, no matter how distant they are, and the crushing nostalgia, and the momentous realization that I have so much in my head that I am going to explode because I have no idea how to deal with it, in that moment, when I feel like this every night, all I want to do is die.
Thursday 1 January 2015
Card Houses
So I made it. Its the 1st January 2015 (well technically I'm an hour into the 2cnd, but whatever).
Last night was anything but a pleasant experience. But anyway it is officially 2015, whatever that is supposed to mean. I think it means something different to everybody in fairness.
I still hate it, but what can I do now. The concrete wall between 2014 and 2015 is well and truly cemented, and as the days of this year progress, 2014 will continue to grow further and further away until I can no longer distinguish between the times, the memories and the feelings. Until it all becomes a blur, because that is what happens, it is the essential movement of life. Change.
'The whole of life becomes a series of letting go'.
So, anyway in my overpowering state of nostalgia, I've been thinking. Now I don't know if you have ever built or attempted to build a card house, but it isn't the easiest thing to do. And I have come to the conclusion that life is one big card house. No matter how many times you attempt, and no matter how far you get, there is always that one chance that everything will fall apart. Then you get stuck in frustration, when the card house doesn't get very far at all because your frustrated so you are unable to build, and the building just gets worse; this is when your stuck. Basically I'm using a card house as a metaphor for life. Because just like life, card houses constantly change, fall down and collapse. The weak flimsy cards can only take so much before they collapse and can no longer be built after the tiring process of trying to amount to something (the card house), and sometimes they bend and break so they cant be used ever again. Just like me.
I hope that maybe one day the card house can be built to the top, but at the moment I am stuck, blocked in the impact zone, of the wave that is life.
Hmmm.
I wont say happy new year because you know, but I hope whoever is reading this isn't feeling too bad, and I hope that our card houses are very much on their ways to the top.
Last night was anything but a pleasant experience. But anyway it is officially 2015, whatever that is supposed to mean. I think it means something different to everybody in fairness.
I still hate it, but what can I do now. The concrete wall between 2014 and 2015 is well and truly cemented, and as the days of this year progress, 2014 will continue to grow further and further away until I can no longer distinguish between the times, the memories and the feelings. Until it all becomes a blur, because that is what happens, it is the essential movement of life. Change.
'The whole of life becomes a series of letting go'.
So, anyway in my overpowering state of nostalgia, I've been thinking. Now I don't know if you have ever built or attempted to build a card house, but it isn't the easiest thing to do. And I have come to the conclusion that life is one big card house. No matter how many times you attempt, and no matter how far you get, there is always that one chance that everything will fall apart. Then you get stuck in frustration, when the card house doesn't get very far at all because your frustrated so you are unable to build, and the building just gets worse; this is when your stuck. Basically I'm using a card house as a metaphor for life. Because just like life, card houses constantly change, fall down and collapse. The weak flimsy cards can only take so much before they collapse and can no longer be built after the tiring process of trying to amount to something (the card house), and sometimes they bend and break so they cant be used ever again. Just like me.
I hope that maybe one day the card house can be built to the top, but at the moment I am stuck, blocked in the impact zone, of the wave that is life.
Hmmm.
I wont say happy new year because you know, but I hope whoever is reading this isn't feeling too bad, and I hope that our card houses are very much on their ways to the top.
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