There's a certain point you reach in life. After the loss of something there's all the different stages- anger, sadness, denial, rage, emptiness, grief, flashbacks, thoughts of suicide, depersonalization and then finally that feeling when your so exhausted with it all that you cant even comprehend anything in your brain, and your moving along steadily knowing that your playing massive cover up. That any moment you could sink right deep down again and break from everything. The constant flipping between all these stages is exasperating.
I witnessed a major road accident today, and it really stopped me in my tracks. To be that near to terror, and death and such a massive tragic event really makes you think. About how near to death you are, and how in the blink of an eye everything could change, and how cruel the world is. Because what I realized is that despite the fact I witnessed 1 single accident, millions and millions happen every single day, yet they go unnoticed because well, its the norm. We're so used to bad things happening every single day, and its wrong. I hate this world. I hate everything. And applying it to my own life- why does something massive have to happen for something to change, or for people to take notice?
If I had been in that accident people would notice my screaming and my desperate cries for help. So why don't they now. Why don't they realize like they used to?
There are things you know to be true, and there are things you know to be true, yet refuse to accept. Today the second applied to me. Something I knew was happening was reinforced today, now I know i'm going to have to accept it. But I don't want to. I don't want it to happen. And my small bubble of normality I use to appease everybody else who wishes to perceive that I'm okay burst.
So tiring, and so lost. It's like I'm floating in a bubble, and have been for the past 7 months. I don't even know how I have made it to here. And I'm just praying for change, even though that's the thing I hate most. The hole in me is driving me insane and I know I shouldn't, but I still cant move on.
Please can somebody hear me. This is so hard.
Tuesday 20 January 2015
Friday 16 January 2015
Helplessly Tired.
I haven't written in a while, and I was deciding for a while whether I should write tonight, or whether I should just save my feelings for tomorrow, because I am so emotionally drained right now that I can barely keep my eyes open. This has without a doubt been one of the worst weeks ever, and I just cant even cope.
I don't know if you've ever felt so tired that just waking up in the morning makes you cry, or your legs and arms feel that weak that you could just collapse any second, or your eyes don't work so you have to squint to see ever single thing, and your brain doesn't connect anything and work because your just so exhausted. Well that's how I feel now.
I am so tired, tired of every single thing. I'm tired of you, tired of me, tired of being awake, tired of being asleep, tired of thinking, tired of being sad, tired of being angry, tired of remembering, tired of trying to forget, tired of accepting, tired of trying not to change, tired of trying to remember who I am, I am just tired of being tired.
I am so so tired, I have no energy for anything anymore, so I cant even convey my feelings through this terrible blog post, in which I will probably delete when hopefully someday recovering from my exhausted state of mind. But I needed to blog.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
I don't know if you've ever felt so tired that just waking up in the morning makes you cry, or your legs and arms feel that weak that you could just collapse any second, or your eyes don't work so you have to squint to see ever single thing, and your brain doesn't connect anything and work because your just so exhausted. Well that's how I feel now.
I am so tired, tired of every single thing. I'm tired of you, tired of me, tired of being awake, tired of being asleep, tired of thinking, tired of being sad, tired of being angry, tired of remembering, tired of trying to forget, tired of accepting, tired of trying not to change, tired of trying to remember who I am, I am just tired of being tired.
I am so so tired, I have no energy for anything anymore, so I cant even convey my feelings through this terrible blog post, in which I will probably delete when hopefully someday recovering from my exhausted state of mind. But I needed to blog.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Sunday 4 January 2015
Bad Days
Today is a bad day. Every day is a bad day to some extent, but today is one of those in particular which really takes a lot of doing. I read a quote once, something along the lines of 'even on a good day, the sky is still grey, there's just no rain. Which is exactly how I feel. Every day is a bad day, just some are less rainy than others, even though I love the rain..problem?
I'm bored of my life. I'm bored of myself, I'm bored of feeling lost and confused and angry and sad and all the things that I was never meant to feel. I am so sick of feeling like I'm just waiting for the next night that I sit in bed until 4 in the morning, crying my eyes out because I don't know what to do, or how to act or how to feel anymore. I'm so sick of pretending I am fine when really all I want to do is scream the faces of people and try and explain how much pain I feel every single day. But nobody would understand, and nobody has time for a stupid girl who cant move on from her past. I'm just left wondering if this is it? Is this how i'm going to feel forever, is this all that is out there for me, is this unrecognizable person always going to be who I am? Will I turn out like you? Can I let go? Can I ever learn to love myself again? And the problem is that all these questions are ones that nobody can answer.
I have nobody to really talk to, but do I even want to talk to anybody. I think the problem is that I feel so lost. So alone and just completely helpless and lost in life, and the constant pain in my chest is always there. And I cant get over it. Why can I never get over it. Its like your haunting me. I am obsessed with living in the memory of you, because as much pain as it caused I was consumed with that pain for so long that now it has gone, I miss it, and I have lost that comfort, and its such a messed up and weird feeling, but its a painful and impossible feeling. Everything that I had a year ago has gone, and as much as anybody tells me otherwise I can feel it slipping away. Its the next frigging year, any normal person would have dealt with this by now.
I'm so different and I hate it. I don't even recognise myself, I don't know what I am doing anymore. I have changed everything about myself, because I thought that would distance myself from the memories, and that era, but it hasn't it has just made more of a change. I am so lost inside myself, on the exterior I just look like me, well mentally, but on the inside any light has well and truly gone out. I'm scared because what is going to happen to me, this is the worst feeling in the world. All I'm doing everyday is surviving, i'm just staying alive, I have no purpose. How can I fix myself?
When the night falls, and I get that familiar crushing feeling in my chest. When it's dark outside and it's 3am in the morning, and I know that I don't want to sleep because I will go back there, but I don't want to wake. When my heart beat races and quickens, and my palms get sweaty, when that familiar song comes on, and when the pain comes back searing through me, fresh again, and I realise what a true mess I am, and how I have no means of getting out of it, and I have no idea what to do with myself. When the fresh tears fill the back of my eyes, and glaze over my pupils, and I blink and tell myself that I don't want to do it, I don't want to work myself up, not this night. But my brain doesn't pay attention, and it all hits me, and the memories come flooding back, no matter how distant they are, and the crushing nostalgia, and the momentous realization that I have so much in my head that I am going to explode because I have no idea how to deal with it, in that moment, when I feel like this every night, all I want to do is die.
I'm bored of my life. I'm bored of myself, I'm bored of feeling lost and confused and angry and sad and all the things that I was never meant to feel. I am so sick of feeling like I'm just waiting for the next night that I sit in bed until 4 in the morning, crying my eyes out because I don't know what to do, or how to act or how to feel anymore. I'm so sick of pretending I am fine when really all I want to do is scream the faces of people and try and explain how much pain I feel every single day. But nobody would understand, and nobody has time for a stupid girl who cant move on from her past. I'm just left wondering if this is it? Is this how i'm going to feel forever, is this all that is out there for me, is this unrecognizable person always going to be who I am? Will I turn out like you? Can I let go? Can I ever learn to love myself again? And the problem is that all these questions are ones that nobody can answer.
I have nobody to really talk to, but do I even want to talk to anybody. I think the problem is that I feel so lost. So alone and just completely helpless and lost in life, and the constant pain in my chest is always there. And I cant get over it. Why can I never get over it. Its like your haunting me. I am obsessed with living in the memory of you, because as much pain as it caused I was consumed with that pain for so long that now it has gone, I miss it, and I have lost that comfort, and its such a messed up and weird feeling, but its a painful and impossible feeling. Everything that I had a year ago has gone, and as much as anybody tells me otherwise I can feel it slipping away. Its the next frigging year, any normal person would have dealt with this by now.
I'm so different and I hate it. I don't even recognise myself, I don't know what I am doing anymore. I have changed everything about myself, because I thought that would distance myself from the memories, and that era, but it hasn't it has just made more of a change. I am so lost inside myself, on the exterior I just look like me, well mentally, but on the inside any light has well and truly gone out. I'm scared because what is going to happen to me, this is the worst feeling in the world. All I'm doing everyday is surviving, i'm just staying alive, I have no purpose. How can I fix myself?
When the night falls, and I get that familiar crushing feeling in my chest. When it's dark outside and it's 3am in the morning, and I know that I don't want to sleep because I will go back there, but I don't want to wake. When my heart beat races and quickens, and my palms get sweaty, when that familiar song comes on, and when the pain comes back searing through me, fresh again, and I realise what a true mess I am, and how I have no means of getting out of it, and I have no idea what to do with myself. When the fresh tears fill the back of my eyes, and glaze over my pupils, and I blink and tell myself that I don't want to do it, I don't want to work myself up, not this night. But my brain doesn't pay attention, and it all hits me, and the memories come flooding back, no matter how distant they are, and the crushing nostalgia, and the momentous realization that I have so much in my head that I am going to explode because I have no idea how to deal with it, in that moment, when I feel like this every night, all I want to do is die.
Thursday 1 January 2015
Card Houses
So I made it. Its the 1st January 2015 (well technically I'm an hour into the 2cnd, but whatever).
Last night was anything but a pleasant experience. But anyway it is officially 2015, whatever that is supposed to mean. I think it means something different to everybody in fairness.
I still hate it, but what can I do now. The concrete wall between 2014 and 2015 is well and truly cemented, and as the days of this year progress, 2014 will continue to grow further and further away until I can no longer distinguish between the times, the memories and the feelings. Until it all becomes a blur, because that is what happens, it is the essential movement of life. Change.
'The whole of life becomes a series of letting go'.
So, anyway in my overpowering state of nostalgia, I've been thinking. Now I don't know if you have ever built or attempted to build a card house, but it isn't the easiest thing to do. And I have come to the conclusion that life is one big card house. No matter how many times you attempt, and no matter how far you get, there is always that one chance that everything will fall apart. Then you get stuck in frustration, when the card house doesn't get very far at all because your frustrated so you are unable to build, and the building just gets worse; this is when your stuck. Basically I'm using a card house as a metaphor for life. Because just like life, card houses constantly change, fall down and collapse. The weak flimsy cards can only take so much before they collapse and can no longer be built after the tiring process of trying to amount to something (the card house), and sometimes they bend and break so they cant be used ever again. Just like me.
I hope that maybe one day the card house can be built to the top, but at the moment I am stuck, blocked in the impact zone, of the wave that is life.
Hmmm.
I wont say happy new year because you know, but I hope whoever is reading this isn't feeling too bad, and I hope that our card houses are very much on their ways to the top.
Last night was anything but a pleasant experience. But anyway it is officially 2015, whatever that is supposed to mean. I think it means something different to everybody in fairness.
I still hate it, but what can I do now. The concrete wall between 2014 and 2015 is well and truly cemented, and as the days of this year progress, 2014 will continue to grow further and further away until I can no longer distinguish between the times, the memories and the feelings. Until it all becomes a blur, because that is what happens, it is the essential movement of life. Change.
'The whole of life becomes a series of letting go'.
So, anyway in my overpowering state of nostalgia, I've been thinking. Now I don't know if you have ever built or attempted to build a card house, but it isn't the easiest thing to do. And I have come to the conclusion that life is one big card house. No matter how many times you attempt, and no matter how far you get, there is always that one chance that everything will fall apart. Then you get stuck in frustration, when the card house doesn't get very far at all because your frustrated so you are unable to build, and the building just gets worse; this is when your stuck. Basically I'm using a card house as a metaphor for life. Because just like life, card houses constantly change, fall down and collapse. The weak flimsy cards can only take so much before they collapse and can no longer be built after the tiring process of trying to amount to something (the card house), and sometimes they bend and break so they cant be used ever again. Just like me.
I hope that maybe one day the card house can be built to the top, but at the moment I am stuck, blocked in the impact zone, of the wave that is life.
Hmmm.
I wont say happy new year because you know, but I hope whoever is reading this isn't feeling too bad, and I hope that our card houses are very much on their ways to the top.
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