I had hoped that I wouldn't need to blog again. Because the blog was formed to stop myself from going further mad, and perhaps to keep me alive. However the inner clock strikes midnight again, the 1st of a month, and without me even realising- I feel sad.
I should have seen it coming, I've gone two whole weeks without even launching myself in to the pit of mental misery and despair that I usually do in the early hours of the morning, however instead my brain has decided that haunting me in my dreams about things I don't want to think about is a better way of beating me. Therefore I refuse to sleep unless I have consumed a lot of alcohol or a lot of pills.
I don't know if you've ever missed someone or something so much that it hurts, I mean physically hurts. Just the notion ties knots in your stomach, gives you a pounding headache and makes your palms sweaty. But on top of that digs further into the hole in your heart that you cant help but feel whenever you think the unavoidable things.
Im such a fucking mess, i cant believe im still fucking here after all this time. It changed my life and it changed me- and i dont like that person. So im doing everything in my power to erase any memory of that person so at least i can pretend. Fuck being that im trying to change ever aspect about myself to distance myself from you and all my memories of it and fuck fuck fuck.
I say this, but underneath it all it will always be the centre of reason. But at least i can pretend in my own little world, Ive done okay so far. Im doing everything i never should have done just to raise attention, you shouldnt have fucking done this to me whoever you are.
Still lost, a year on and lost.
Forever,
HW
