Bad World.

There's a certain point you reach in life. After the loss of something there's all the different stages- anger, sadness, denial, rage, emptiness, grief, flashbacks, thoughts of suicide, depersonalization and then finally that feeling when your so exhausted with it all that you cant even comprehend anything in your brain, and your moving along steadily knowing that your playing massive cover up. That any moment you could sink right deep down again and break from everything. The constant flipping between all these stages is exasperating.

I witnessed a major road accident today, and it really stopped me in my tracks. To be that near to terror, and death and such a massive tragic event really makes you think. About how near to death you are, and how in the blink of an eye everything could change, and how cruel the world is. Because what I realized is that despite the fact I witnessed 1 single accident, millions and millions happen every single day, yet they go unnoticed because well, its the norm. We're so used to bad things happening every single day, and its wrong. I hate this world. I hate everything. And applying it to my own life- why does something massive have to happen for something to change, or for people to take notice?

If I had been in that accident people would notice my screaming and my desperate cries for help. So why don't they now. Why don't they realize like they used to?

There are things you know to be true, and there are things you know to be true, yet refuse to accept. Today the second applied to me. Something I knew was happening was reinforced today, now I know i'm going to have to accept it. But I don't want to. I don't want it to happen. And my small bubble of normality I use to appease everybody else who wishes to perceive that I'm okay burst.

So tiring, and so lost. It's like I'm floating in a bubble, and have been for the past 7 months. I don't even know how I have made it to here. And I'm just praying for change, even though that's the thing I hate most. The hole in me is driving me insane and I know I shouldn't, but I still cant move on.

Please can somebody hear me. This is so hard.