Aching

I'm not dead- fortunately/unfortunately, not sure which way to look at it right this moment.
Apologies for the recent lack of blogging, my mind as ever has been preoccupied. Even though nobody reads this blog, so to the imaginary audience I am addressing.

The reason for my silence is because if I am completely honest I have no real idea what to write, I'm just feeling the same as I always do. But something has changed, I don't know what it is, but it's almost like I am near enough numb. Soooo much has happened lately, that it all just blurs into one big ache and pain.

I am aching. Mainly with the crushing nostalgia that I am consumed with whenever I am alone, or not distracted, or simply just reminded of it. Which sucks. I am aching with the anxiety of future events I know are going to take place, however I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel, or how I am going to feel. I miss things, more than most people should miss things I suppose. And what nobody else understands is that, despite this being the most minimal of my problems right now, it is the biggest in my mind, because its the one that has changed me the most, and the one that I cant get over because I don't know how to be anymore, or what anything is anymore, and I hate it.

I genuinely get to the point where the absence and the memory of the past aches in places I didn't even knew existed, or that I didn't know it was possible to feel emotional pain. I get a stab of paralyzing fear and anxiety, before I realise my worst fear has already happened, and then the realization hits that its over, and that's when it hurts the most. I succumb to the pain and memories, and the memories are gradually blurring and travelling further into the depths of my mind, making it harder for them to resurface, and harder for me to comfort myself with them. I feel the pain of missing things and places and people. I'm forgetting and it aches my heart and my chest, I can barely breathe sometimes, when it hits how much I miss. I miss, I spend all my time missing. I even miss myself, perhaps that's what I miss the most, and I have no idea how to get her back, or even what she was.

Sometimes I just feel so crazy, and I am so alone. I cant express how hard it is, but obviously nobody is going to get it because it's just such a layered problem. My councillor only barely understood and I saw her for about a year. Everything inside my head hurts, and I don't know what I can do to fix it. I just want somebody to help me, but I want the right people to miss me too. And I know they don't which makes it so much harder.

I am that girl that is great to have around, but isn't needed. I am the girl that appears to be the strongest person in the world, but is actually the weakest. I'm the girl that nobody wants to turn in to, I'm the girl that started cutting herself when she was never supposed to. I'm the girl that used to genuinely be the happiest. I'm the girl that can fix everybody else's problems but her own. I'm the girl that holds in all of her pain, so nobody can see, and when she comes home she cries herself to sleep every night. I'm the girl that cant enjoy any aspect of her life anymore. I'm the girl that nobody wants to become. I am the girl that can't be helped. I am the girl that's lost. I am the girl that changed, and that no matter what cant go back.

I'm so stuck.