forward...but still backwards

Well it's April and i'm still here, what a shock for us all.
I haven't had the time to write, or maybe I have but I just haven't been able to find words. Most of the time I have spent jist trying to distract myself.

If I thought that things couldn't get worse, I was wrong. And if I thought that somehow I would naturally end up feeling more positive, I was also wrong. I am still so so stuck and we are 4 months into this year. What the hell has happened.

The only possible conclusion I can come to is that it's my fault- the good guy always wins and there is always a happy ending, considering I cant find mine and im not winning I believe its my fault. I am just a horrible, annoying and worthless person, and I have caused all of this, and I have done this to my own mind. I have put myself in this hole, and I am my own monster and worst enemy. I suppose that sucks, but at least I know I can control something.

I have also realised that I am so weak that I cant even bring myself to die just yet. How pathetic is that, I know I want to leave, and Everytime I try I fail. Now that is misery. But I think theres something in me holding back, and im too weak and scared. And it isn't that I don't really want to go out of some cling of emotion, I genuinely do, I cant deal with this pain anymore, I just cant make it happen. Eugh at me.

I feel like I have been clutching at straws (the straws being my sanity) for so long, but now the straws are nearly all gone, and im getting very close to the edge of the cliff. Some of the feelings I have experienced lately I didn't even know existed. Im at a point where I have completely and utterly disarmed myself and pretended and tricked myself into being completely distracted and oblivious to the destruction occurring to my life and mental state right before me. And now I have a problem.

I am in a very dangerous position, because at the moment I have completely numbed myself with recent situations, I just cant deal with it. But the thing is that whenever a little bit resurfaces that's it- I'm a gonner. I completely break, and the more im putting away, the more pain that consumes me when I re feel. Its like I am a tap- the water is slowly but surely dripping out of me, when the tap is off I am okay and all the barriers are up and I seem normal, but as soon as the tap is on WHOOSH, problem. And then the drip comes, when the barrier cant be completely rebuilt because the tap is too exhausted.

I probably sound crazy right now. What I am trying to say is that I am trying to block it out but its not working great, and when it does, the pain increases each time. But theres too much there for me to deal with. If I let the guard down there is too much pain and hurt and memories that will just destroy me, and I haven't the energy to do that at the moment.

Still suffering, still numb.

HW