The other side of me.

Id like to introduce you to the other side of me. My split personality that is becoming so increasingly evident as the days go by. Her name is different to mine, she's content, and a great actress. Nobody would ever know we are the same person.

Lately I've come to realise that I have two different personalities. One when I'm with others, and one when I'm with myself. Which naturally makes the quest to find myself again increasingly difficult. I don't mean that I'm just different when I'm on my own to when I'm in company, because that's natural. But I mean I am a complete other person.

When I'm with others that don't get me (everyone) I pretend, its like my brain temporarily doesn't take my actual situation and thoughts into consideration. I am so fake it's baffling. I am so upbeat, talkative and funny. But in the back of my mind I know that I am just pretending, but it isn't like I can stop this other person from coming through, its like a reflex, like a coping mechanism.

Then when I am alone, or other times I am the person that I know I am at the moment. The one that's miserable, and consumed with the crushing nostalgia and memories of the things that I want to forget. The one that is a bundle of anxiety and depression, waiting for her next fix of the drug that is distraction.

It's almost unfaultable the performance the alternate me gives, many don't notice. However occasionally the emotional pressure gets a little too much and alternate me gets a little mellower than usual, but other than that I am untouchable. Does this mean that relationships that have been formed or at least maintained whilst I have been in my post-traumatic bubble are built on this person that I'm not? I know for a fact that nobody gets me, but what can I do. I believe that it's a coping mechanism, its too hard to be truthful about myself, and well I think to distinguish between my happy place and my me place my brain seems to have created two different personalities. It is very confusing, and I hate it. Because well I don't know who I am, even more than I didn't before.

Sometimes it gets a little harder to breathe, and the more I think about it I realise that in fact this is my life now, and we cant travel back in time. And just knowing that if anybody I knew read this they would most definitely think I was unhinged, because well I am. I don't want to be a freak, but I cant change the wall in my mind.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately, and what it would actually be like. I haven't got enough faith in the possibility of a heaven to believe that I would finally find peace, therefore I haven't got a solid enough conclusion of what happens when I do go. I think there is something out there, but I don't think my soul likes me very much at the minute. I guess I have a small amount of positivity left in me, or I would have freed myself already. However my fear is what if this is how it's always going to be for me. Everytime something happens that I cant move on from, will it just add the emotional baggage that I carry with me always? So many massive changes have yet to occur in my life, so many people are going to leave me, and so many things can go drastically wrong. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep going through this pain. What if I never find myself again? This is so hard.

Another ending is looming this week, and as usual I am dreading it. I'm getting signs, and I know that this time I need to let go, but I don't know if I can.

HW