I'm back.
Due to popular demand (notice the sarcasm, so far my blog has had no views..)
My brain can't seem to comprehend endings. And today is a big one (new years eve), it might not seem it but it is. Of course it is. Its the ending of a year of your life, an entire year, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days.
I just don't understand it, and cant process it in my head. Endings are so final; my ultimate fear. This year you will never get back, the person you are right here and now will be no more, everything you've done this year will be gone, and the now will start to become the past, and the memories will start to fade, and soon enough every little part of your life will have started to change and everything will be different and new just like that.
Years are like safety nets, they carry you inside them- 'I'll do that this year', or I'm a certain age this year, or whatever. A major event, you will never see again as it's locked away inside a particular year, and then an era. Even if the year was a particularly bad one, you get so used to the comfort of normality, even if it is a shit normality, and then all of a sudden your forced to acknowledge some massive societal and time change, even though it doesn't change anything, it changes everything.
It's the same with memories. Memories you think will last a lifetime, or ones you know in that moment that you will remember, or want to remember, will soon enough start to fade. Even if you want to remember them, trust me. No matter how hard you try, or how hard your brain forces you to repeat certain days and moments in your mind every single moment of every single day, eventually everything else around you changes until that memory doesn't feel real anymore, because it cant, and feels exactly that...just a memory. Which sucks. Absolutely sucks. I want to remember the things that made me happy, when things are gone, you have to hold on to the only things you have left, and if you cant live in the memories of that anymore then what do you have?
Wanting to live in a certain period of your life and stay there forever is made increasingly hard when the year changes and the memories start to fade. This is why new year is a problem.
At the start of this year I didn't want to go into the year, because I knew I had to face a necessary evil and painful experience, and now that I'm still holding on to that, I don't want to leave the year, because while I'm in 2014, I'm still in the time that it happened. *safety blanket*
The truth is I'm scared. I'm scared of everything about life, but I'm also somebody who lives in the moment and loves the ultimate and endless possibilities (trying to seize them) that life throws at us..
Do you see my problem?
Tuesday 30 December 2014
Sunday 28 December 2014
Lunar Thinking...
*warning- likely to be rather deep and melancholy (it's the only place I can be)*
As this is my first blog post I'm unsure quite how to start it, and how I want my blog to go on from here. To be honest this blog is an attempt at a medium for which I can express my thoughts/feelings through, and can vent about my weird/wonderful perspective on life in the hope that somebody out there might understand me, because I don't..
I love the stars, the moon, the rain, the ocean, leaves, trees...and the piano, just to make that clear. I find each thing on that list a source of comfort, and a way for me to express the essence of who I am and how I feel. Call me weird, but that's that.
I think the reason I have started this blog now, when I have had many chances before now is because I need to try something new. I have all these feelings and deep wonders about well, everything. In two days it will be the end of a year, and an era for me, as I have decided to try to find myself again, and regain some of what I was before, as I seem to have lost myself. New year is always a dreaded date for me, I hate the whole thing. I hate the connotations of change and loss it brings with it, and I try to hold on to each year as though it were a childhood toy. I'm very troubled, and I cant seem to break the cycle.
I'm aware the whole thing sounds cryptic, but as I say, I felt I should offer some sort of introduction before I completely baffle you. Please feel free to stick along for the ride, I hope I do. Who knows what might happen, anything could.
HW
As this is my first blog post I'm unsure quite how to start it, and how I want my blog to go on from here. To be honest this blog is an attempt at a medium for which I can express my thoughts/feelings through, and can vent about my weird/wonderful perspective on life in the hope that somebody out there might understand me, because I don't..
I love the stars, the moon, the rain, the ocean, leaves, trees...and the piano, just to make that clear. I find each thing on that list a source of comfort, and a way for me to express the essence of who I am and how I feel. Call me weird, but that's that.
I think the reason I have started this blog now, when I have had many chances before now is because I need to try something new. I have all these feelings and deep wonders about well, everything. In two days it will be the end of a year, and an era for me, as I have decided to try to find myself again, and regain some of what I was before, as I seem to have lost myself. New year is always a dreaded date for me, I hate the whole thing. I hate the connotations of change and loss it brings with it, and I try to hold on to each year as though it were a childhood toy. I'm very troubled, and I cant seem to break the cycle.
I'm aware the whole thing sounds cryptic, but as I say, I felt I should offer some sort of introduction before I completely baffle you. Please feel free to stick along for the ride, I hope I do. Who knows what might happen, anything could.
HW
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