Bad Days

Today is a bad day. Every day is a bad day to some extent, but today is one of those in particular which really takes a lot of doing. I read a quote once, something along the lines of 'even on a good day, the sky is still grey, there's just no rain. Which is exactly how I feel. Every day is a bad day, just some are less rainy than others, even though I love the rain..problem?

I'm bored of my life. I'm bored of myself, I'm bored of feeling lost and confused and angry and sad and all the things that I was never meant to feel. I am so sick of feeling like I'm just waiting for the next night that I sit in bed until 4 in the morning, crying my eyes out because I don't know what to do, or how to act or how to feel anymore. I'm so sick of pretending I am fine when really all I want to do is scream the faces of people and try and explain how much pain I feel every single day. But nobody would understand, and nobody has time for a stupid girl who cant move on from her past. I'm just left wondering if this is it? Is this how i'm going to feel forever, is this all that is out there for me, is this unrecognizable person always going to be who I am? Will I turn out like you? Can I let go? Can I ever learn to love myself again? And the problem is that all these questions are ones that nobody can answer.

I have nobody to really talk to, but do I even want to talk to anybody. I think the problem is that I feel so lost. So alone and just completely helpless and lost in life, and the constant pain in my chest is always there. And I cant get over it. Why can I never get over it. Its like your haunting me. I am obsessed with living in the memory of you, because as much pain as it caused I was consumed with that pain for so long that now it has gone, I miss it, and I have lost that comfort, and its such a messed up and weird feeling, but its a painful and impossible feeling. Everything that I had a year ago has gone, and as much as anybody tells me otherwise I can feel it slipping away. Its the next frigging year, any normal person would have dealt with this by now.

I'm so different and I hate it. I don't even recognise myself, I don't know what I am doing anymore. I have changed everything about myself, because I thought that would distance myself from the memories, and that era, but it hasn't it has just made more of a change. I am so lost inside myself, on the exterior I just look like me, well mentally, but on the inside any light has well and truly gone out. I'm scared because what is going to happen to me, this is the worst feeling in the world. All I'm doing everyday is surviving, i'm just staying alive, I have no purpose. How can I fix myself?

When the night falls, and I get that familiar crushing feeling in my chest. When it's dark outside and it's 3am in the morning, and I know that I don't want to sleep because I will go back there, but I don't want to wake. When my heart beat races and quickens, and my palms get sweaty, when that familiar song comes on, and when the pain comes back searing through me, fresh again, and I realise what a true mess I am, and how I have no means of getting out of it, and I have no idea what to do with myself. When the fresh tears fill the back of my eyes, and glaze over my pupils, and I blink and tell myself that I don't want to do it, I don't want to work myself up, not this night. But my brain doesn't pay attention, and it all hits me, and the memories come flooding back, no matter how distant they are, and the crushing nostalgia, and the momentous realization that I have so much in my head that I am going to explode because I have no idea how to deal with it, in that moment, when I feel like this every night, all I want to do is die.