The other side of me.

Id like to introduce you to the other side of me. My split personality that is becoming so increasingly evident as the days go by. Her name is different to mine, she's content, and a great actress. Nobody would ever know we are the same person.

Lately I've come to realise that I have two different personalities. One when I'm with others, and one when I'm with myself. Which naturally makes the quest to find myself again increasingly difficult. I don't mean that I'm just different when I'm on my own to when I'm in company, because that's natural. But I mean I am a complete other person.

When I'm with others that don't get me (everyone) I pretend, its like my brain temporarily doesn't take my actual situation and thoughts into consideration. I am so fake it's baffling. I am so upbeat, talkative and funny. But in the back of my mind I know that I am just pretending, but it isn't like I can stop this other person from coming through, its like a reflex, like a coping mechanism.

Then when I am alone, or other times I am the person that I know I am at the moment. The one that's miserable, and consumed with the crushing nostalgia and memories of the things that I want to forget. The one that is a bundle of anxiety and depression, waiting for her next fix of the drug that is distraction.

It's almost unfaultable the performance the alternate me gives, many don't notice. However occasionally the emotional pressure gets a little too much and alternate me gets a little mellower than usual, but other than that I am untouchable. Does this mean that relationships that have been formed or at least maintained whilst I have been in my post-traumatic bubble are built on this person that I'm not? I know for a fact that nobody gets me, but what can I do. I believe that it's a coping mechanism, its too hard to be truthful about myself, and well I think to distinguish between my happy place and my me place my brain seems to have created two different personalities. It is very confusing, and I hate it. Because well I don't know who I am, even more than I didn't before.

Sometimes it gets a little harder to breathe, and the more I think about it I realise that in fact this is my life now, and we cant travel back in time. And just knowing that if anybody I knew read this they would most definitely think I was unhinged, because well I am. I don't want to be a freak, but I cant change the wall in my mind.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately, and what it would actually be like. I haven't got enough faith in the possibility of a heaven to believe that I would finally find peace, therefore I haven't got a solid enough conclusion of what happens when I do go. I think there is something out there, but I don't think my soul likes me very much at the minute. I guess I have a small amount of positivity left in me, or I would have freed myself already. However my fear is what if this is how it's always going to be for me. Everytime something happens that I cant move on from, will it just add the emotional baggage that I carry with me always? So many massive changes have yet to occur in my life, so many people are going to leave me, and so many things can go drastically wrong. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep going through this pain. What if I never find myself again? This is so hard.

Another ending is looming this week, and as usual I am dreading it. I'm getting signs, and I know that this time I need to let go, but I don't know if I can.

HW

Aching

I'm not dead- fortunately/unfortunately, not sure which way to look at it right this moment.
Apologies for the recent lack of blogging, my mind as ever has been preoccupied. Even though nobody reads this blog, so to the imaginary audience I am addressing.

The reason for my silence is because if I am completely honest I have no real idea what to write, I'm just feeling the same as I always do. But something has changed, I don't know what it is, but it's almost like I am near enough numb. Soooo much has happened lately, that it all just blurs into one big ache and pain.

I am aching. Mainly with the crushing nostalgia that I am consumed with whenever I am alone, or not distracted, or simply just reminded of it. Which sucks. I am aching with the anxiety of future events I know are going to take place, however I don't really know how I'm supposed to feel, or how I am going to feel. I miss things, more than most people should miss things I suppose. And what nobody else understands is that, despite this being the most minimal of my problems right now, it is the biggest in my mind, because its the one that has changed me the most, and the one that I cant get over because I don't know how to be anymore, or what anything is anymore, and I hate it.

I genuinely get to the point where the absence and the memory of the past aches in places I didn't even knew existed, or that I didn't know it was possible to feel emotional pain. I get a stab of paralyzing fear and anxiety, before I realise my worst fear has already happened, and then the realization hits that its over, and that's when it hurts the most. I succumb to the pain and memories, and the memories are gradually blurring and travelling further into the depths of my mind, making it harder for them to resurface, and harder for me to comfort myself with them. I feel the pain of missing things and places and people. I'm forgetting and it aches my heart and my chest, I can barely breathe sometimes, when it hits how much I miss. I miss, I spend all my time missing. I even miss myself, perhaps that's what I miss the most, and I have no idea how to get her back, or even what she was.

Sometimes I just feel so crazy, and I am so alone. I cant express how hard it is, but obviously nobody is going to get it because it's just such a layered problem. My councillor only barely understood and I saw her for about a year. Everything inside my head hurts, and I don't know what I can do to fix it. I just want somebody to help me, but I want the right people to miss me too. And I know they don't which makes it so much harder.

I am that girl that is great to have around, but isn't needed. I am the girl that appears to be the strongest person in the world, but is actually the weakest. I'm the girl that nobody wants to turn in to, I'm the girl that started cutting herself when she was never supposed to. I'm the girl that used to genuinely be the happiest. I'm the girl that can fix everybody else's problems but her own. I'm the girl that holds in all of her pain, so nobody can see, and when she comes home she cries herself to sleep every night. I'm the girl that cant enjoy any aspect of her life anymore. I'm the girl that nobody wants to become. I am the girl that can't be helped. I am the girl that's lost. I am the girl that changed, and that no matter what cant go back.

I'm so stuck.