New.

It's getting that bad that I can't see or hear properly again, I'm back in that bubble. 

I'm not sure what's brought it on, but sleeping without aid is no longer possible and the nightmares have returned. 

There is so much I want to tell you, share with you, make you mad at me for, and make you proud of me for, but at the end of the day it's all fucked up again. 

I know you told me that one day I'd look back and it would all seem so silly, but how can it seem silly if it was the best thing? That without it I cant see or breathe properly? I wish to god that was the case. 

It makes me want to scream untill I have nothing left to give, and cry untill I'm bone dry, when in reality I shake with numbness. 

I'm not sure what to do anymore, it's been far too long now. Another year, another entrance, another exit and more new. 

However more new just means more of the old, attempting fighting not to be replaced by the new. 

The thing is I've never been much good with change.

Inner Clock

I had hoped that I wouldn't need to blog again. Because the blog was formed to stop myself from going further mad, and perhaps to keep me alive. However the inner clock strikes midnight again, the 1st of a month, and without me even realising- I feel sad.

I should have seen it coming, I've gone two whole weeks without even launching myself in to the pit of mental misery and despair that I usually do in the early hours of the morning, however instead my brain has decided that haunting me in my dreams about things I don't want to think about is a better way of beating me. Therefore I refuse to sleep unless I have consumed a lot of alcohol or a lot of pills.

I don't know if you've ever missed someone or something so much that it hurts, I mean physically hurts. Just the notion ties knots in your stomach, gives you a pounding headache and makes your palms sweaty. But on top of that digs further into the hole in your heart that you cant help but feel whenever you think the unavoidable things.

Im such a fucking mess, i cant believe im still fucking here after all this time. It changed my life and it changed me- and i dont like that person. So im doing everything in my power to erase any memory of that person so at least i can pretend. Fuck being that im trying to change ever aspect about myself to distance myself from you and all my memories of it and fuck fuck fuck.

I say this, but underneath it all it will always be the centre of reason. But at least i can pretend in my own little world, Ive done okay so far. Im doing everything i never should have done just to raise attention, you shouldnt have fucking done this to me whoever you are.

Still lost, a year on and lost.

Forever,

HW

Sunset.

Anther abstract metaphor for my feelings.
I feel like i'm approaching a metaphorical sunset. For example at the end of a day, the only thing you know for certain is that the sun will set, the moon and the stars and the darkness will come, and it is certain that you can look in the sky, and see the horizon where the colours meet and mix and the blue turns to pink and the pink fades to yellow and orange and then darkness. Thick black yet effortlessly beautiful attempting to cover all the mistakes and imperfections.

The sunset signals the end of a very long day, an era and a familiarity. It fools you though, it pretends to be picturesque and beautiful, when in fact this type of sunset is painful, hard and the worst nightmare of memories, but at least it is consistent and certain, uncertainty is a killer.

I might take a picture- at least then it might last longer. As you see, im clinging on too those last couple of hours of the light, the last few hours of clarity and living, before the sunset comes and takes it all away, and I fade into the insignificance and loneliness of the darkness: but to be honest I might even be there already. As I am trying to move back into the dawn, the sunset captures me.

My point is, you never know when the sunset will come, but when it does, the day will be over, you can never be in that time spectrum again, and the reflection of your long metaphorical day becomes nothing more than a memory.

Its nice being in the dark though, it gives you the opportunity to try and see the stars.
Or in my case, know they are there, but never seeming to be able to hold on to them and capture them.

Broken World

I don't know if everyone feels like this at some point in their lives, or if I'm being over dramatic. Well I know how it feels to me, but I mean to everyone else. But now it's a broken world. If you've ever felt like you have nowhere, and nowhere to run and nowhere to hide, and the more you think about things, the more you realise how massively broken and messed up every single aspect of your life is. There is nowhere I feel safe, and there is nowhere I want to be.

If I felt bad before, I was kidding myself, and if I thought that things were as bad as they could get, I was so so so wrong.

I know nothing lasts forever, and I know that everything changes, but that doesn't make it okay, or easy. And the hard part is having no warning, as to when everything is going to make you feel like the world is caving in on you. In fact it is quite hilarious, how I thought that nothing could possibly get worse, because I have felt so shit for so long- but now we have reached a new low. Nothing could be worse than this to be honest, and well I don't even have any words for how broken I feel.

I seem to lose everything, and the physical emotional pain I feel is absolutely ridiculous. And to be honest i'm not sure exactly what to do anymore.

Speed

Everything goes too fast. I have literally just realised how far into the year we are, and its stressing me out. It is so nearly my birthday and that is another year gone, and well everything is just shit now isn't it so. I cant deal with it all.

Everything just goes too fast, and I am missing things and feeling it physically in places I never knew existed. It is like a physical pain, that makes me sick to my stomach and paralyses me with fear. I don't even know where I am anymore, I am so so so lost it is unreal. Each and every day I fall deeper and deeper into I don't even know what- this complete and utter whirlwind that is my life. And I don't know what to do anymore. I am so lost that I cant even think about being lost or anything.

I am just so numb, yet feeling so so much all at once. I am staring at the black empty walls wondering where it all went wrong. I don't know what to do- it is getting unbearable, the constant struggle.

forward...but still backwards

Well it's April and i'm still here, what a shock for us all.
I haven't had the time to write, or maybe I have but I just haven't been able to find words. Most of the time I have spent jist trying to distract myself.

If I thought that things couldn't get worse, I was wrong. And if I thought that somehow I would naturally end up feeling more positive, I was also wrong. I am still so so stuck and we are 4 months into this year. What the hell has happened.

The only possible conclusion I can come to is that it's my fault- the good guy always wins and there is always a happy ending, considering I cant find mine and im not winning I believe its my fault. I am just a horrible, annoying and worthless person, and I have caused all of this, and I have done this to my own mind. I have put myself in this hole, and I am my own monster and worst enemy. I suppose that sucks, but at least I know I can control something.

I have also realised that I am so weak that I cant even bring myself to die just yet. How pathetic is that, I know I want to leave, and Everytime I try I fail. Now that is misery. But I think theres something in me holding back, and im too weak and scared. And it isn't that I don't really want to go out of some cling of emotion, I genuinely do, I cant deal with this pain anymore, I just cant make it happen. Eugh at me.

I feel like I have been clutching at straws (the straws being my sanity) for so long, but now the straws are nearly all gone, and im getting very close to the edge of the cliff. Some of the feelings I have experienced lately I didn't even know existed. Im at a point where I have completely and utterly disarmed myself and pretended and tricked myself into being completely distracted and oblivious to the destruction occurring to my life and mental state right before me. And now I have a problem.

I am in a very dangerous position, because at the moment I have completely numbed myself with recent situations, I just cant deal with it. But the thing is that whenever a little bit resurfaces that's it- I'm a gonner. I completely break, and the more im putting away, the more pain that consumes me when I re feel. Its like I am a tap- the water is slowly but surely dripping out of me, when the tap is off I am okay and all the barriers are up and I seem normal, but as soon as the tap is on WHOOSH, problem. And then the drip comes, when the barrier cant be completely rebuilt because the tap is too exhausted.

I probably sound crazy right now. What I am trying to say is that I am trying to block it out but its not working great, and when it does, the pain increases each time. But theres too much there for me to deal with. If I let the guard down there is too much pain and hurt and memories that will just destroy me, and I haven't the energy to do that at the moment.

Still suffering, still numb.

HW

The other side of me.

Id like to introduce you to the other side of me. My split personality that is becoming so increasingly evident as the days go by. Her name is different to mine, she's content, and a great actress. Nobody would ever know we are the same person.

Lately I've come to realise that I have two different personalities. One when I'm with others, and one when I'm with myself. Which naturally makes the quest to find myself again increasingly difficult. I don't mean that I'm just different when I'm on my own to when I'm in company, because that's natural. But I mean I am a complete other person.

When I'm with others that don't get me (everyone) I pretend, its like my brain temporarily doesn't take my actual situation and thoughts into consideration. I am so fake it's baffling. I am so upbeat, talkative and funny. But in the back of my mind I know that I am just pretending, but it isn't like I can stop this other person from coming through, its like a reflex, like a coping mechanism.

Then when I am alone, or other times I am the person that I know I am at the moment. The one that's miserable, and consumed with the crushing nostalgia and memories of the things that I want to forget. The one that is a bundle of anxiety and depression, waiting for her next fix of the drug that is distraction.

It's almost unfaultable the performance the alternate me gives, many don't notice. However occasionally the emotional pressure gets a little too much and alternate me gets a little mellower than usual, but other than that I am untouchable. Does this mean that relationships that have been formed or at least maintained whilst I have been in my post-traumatic bubble are built on this person that I'm not? I know for a fact that nobody gets me, but what can I do. I believe that it's a coping mechanism, its too hard to be truthful about myself, and well I think to distinguish between my happy place and my me place my brain seems to have created two different personalities. It is very confusing, and I hate it. Because well I don't know who I am, even more than I didn't before.

Sometimes it gets a little harder to breathe, and the more I think about it I realise that in fact this is my life now, and we cant travel back in time. And just knowing that if anybody I knew read this they would most definitely think I was unhinged, because well I am. I don't want to be a freak, but I cant change the wall in my mind.

I've been thinking a lot about death lately, and what it would actually be like. I haven't got enough faith in the possibility of a heaven to believe that I would finally find peace, therefore I haven't got a solid enough conclusion of what happens when I do go. I think there is something out there, but I don't think my soul likes me very much at the minute. I guess I have a small amount of positivity left in me, or I would have freed myself already. However my fear is what if this is how it's always going to be for me. Everytime something happens that I cant move on from, will it just add the emotional baggage that I carry with me always? So many massive changes have yet to occur in my life, so many people are going to leave me, and so many things can go drastically wrong. I don't know if I'm strong enough to keep going through this pain. What if I never find myself again? This is so hard.

Another ending is looming this week, and as usual I am dreading it. I'm getting signs, and I know that this time I need to let go, but I don't know if I can.

HW